She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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