It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
