Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
