hotel room ftw
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
