We named our party play list daddy issues
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize