R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
