Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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