his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize