Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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