i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
