I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
