I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
