Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
