went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Even my vagina gasped.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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