Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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