chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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