I saw his package. It spoke to me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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