Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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