Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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