Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
