So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize