I accidentally had phone sex last night
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
