So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
