don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize