When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
