i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
