genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize