hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
