I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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