Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
