I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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