I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
