Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
