college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize