Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize