You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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