YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
