ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
