So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He shit in the fireplace
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
