I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
