I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
