i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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