Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize