I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
