i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
