Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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