what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
