Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
