I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
