she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
