I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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