so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
