9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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